Chelsea Martin

Five Flash Fictions

—

I told a customer that I was severely depressed, and that when I wasn’t at work I was either crying or killing small things. Then he ordered a really complicated drink.

—

Customer: You look beautiful today. Are you ovulating?
Me: Why does everyone think they can talk about my menstrual cycle whenever they feel like it?
Customer: I’m pretty sure you’re ovulating.

—

It’s upsetting to feel so close to someone yet not have the ability to control their thoughts or effectively manipulate their feelings. Sex is ultimately disappointing because a body becoming separate from another body is a cruel reminder that two bodies can’t be merged in any emotionally sustainable way. I’m not saying I feel lonely during sex but if I think about it afterwards it does seem lonely. 

—

I’d rather hang out by myself all the time and cry about how hot the shower is than hang out with someone who only wants to tell me 85% of what goes on inside their heads. I wish I were the type of person who had 13-15 friends and liked each one of them with about 10% interest, because I would end up being at least 130% interested in my friends. I think I could probably spend about 3 hours finding the solution to that math problem, mostly because I always forget how to use the “/” button on my calculator, but also because this issue barely qualifies as a math problem. I guess I’m feeling a little isolated.

—

Customer: It looks like you’ve been crying.
Me: Great.
Customer: What? I meant that in a good way.

---

Chelsea Martin has written two books and owns a small business called Universal Error. jerkethics.com universalerror.com